Moment
by SilentStardust
Summary: Sometimes he wishes that there would be a reprieve, a change, a moment where he would for once not stand on that dark and lonely precipice. Developing Hotch/Reid relationship.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Drabble

Warning: None. Pre-slash.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

A/N: This is going to be really short. I'm really out of the writing game. Haven't written in almost three years and am trying to change my writing style. All my prior fics, which are totally non-CM, are located under SilentStardust . Thanks.

It's a Friday and all the way down the hallway bounce snippets of conversation regarding plans for the upcoming weekend. From where he sits he can hear a word here, a word there, but never the full entirety of it. He's missing so much. He's not worried, however, because that's his life now. Ever since the rageragerage he felt when pounding Foyet's face into the ground and the sorrowsorrowsorrow of Haley's death he's missed out on most things. Before, there would be a regret here, a regret there, but now all he has is Jack. All he has to look forward to is Jack. Sometimes he wishes that there would be a reprieve, a change, a moment where he would for once not stand on that dark and lonely precipice.

That moment hasn't arrived yet and sometimes he's not sure that it ever will.

He hears mentions of a local bar. He knows it. Even used to go once in a while, when he and Haley were relatively happy and Jack was barely an idea. From the sound of it, Morgan's making the rounds of his usual Friday night haunts, when unsubs don't get in the way of life. From experience, he knows that Garcia will join, possibly along with JJ and always with Prentiss. Reid, however, won't.

Before the moment, he would say that Reid had nothing to do on a Friday, but see a 'movie' or dedicate more time to research for his next project, next degree, next idea. Now, he knows that at eight Reid will go downstairs and make his way to the house. By nine, when Aaron finally leaves work, Jessica will have been sent home, Jack will be fed, and a random movie will be set to play in the living room. It's not an easy arrangement and most days Aaron is burdened with more doubt than he feels able to handle. More guilt than he thought possible, because who could tolerate him. Who could stand the late hours, the distance? But then, he'd walk in the door and the surety and just know.

Aaron's been standing on that precipice for a while and he knows that it will be some time before he can leave it. But for now, he can see a small, steady path slowly being etched out for him. One day he'll take it, but right now he finds comfort in the fact that it's there.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: No own.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Raid

Warnings: Slight mentions of pre-slash.

A/N: Actually meant this to be a one-shot drabble, but I had to continue. Please read and enjoy.

Picking up Jack from school was never a consistent activity. Some days he managed to be on time, some not, and other times he never appeared at all. It was those times, those inconsistencies, that practically had Aaron worshipping the ground Jessica Brooks walked on. No matter their prior differences, and there were many, she provided a solid foundation for his son in a world that had been shattered not so very long ago. Truth be told, she helped keep Aaron straight on those days where it just seemed easier to drink himself back into the times where serial killers were still fascinating and not nightmare-inducing. Back when the BAU was a goal and not a god-forsaken burden across his shoulders.

Aaron loved his job, he would be the first to admit it, but some days he just wondered. Wondered if he would have that picket fence and obligatory 2.5 kids with Haley if he had managed to keep his nosy self out of the FBI. But that was a pipe dream, one long past and long buried. He didn't know what his dreams were now but for now having Jack was enough.

He was on time, oddly enough, but unfortunately not due to prior planning or even a gift from lady luck. Aaron had received a call, or rather Jessica had received the call, since all the teachers knew to call her first, and had relayed the message. Parent-teacher conference. Dreaded words, but necessary ones. Apparently, there was a bully. Thankfully, his last name was not Hotchner. Aaron had dealt with only one terrifying bully in his lifetime and he would be damned if the next one he dealt with would have his last name.

However, the victim's name was Jack and Aaron wasn't sure how to handle it. He had once been a victim and now his son was. He didn't know the circumstances or actually how severe the bullying was. Deep down, he didn't want to know. Was afraid to know. Straightening his tie, he strolled inside, past one empty classroom after another. He knew his destination; could remember the precise location of the classroom even after months of hopping across the country on case after disastrous case. Would probably remember the location long after he needed to.

Even months after he forcefully put Foyet six feet under, Aaron could remember every detail of those weeks after the incident. He had no wish to, but his mind seemed to pull a Reid. He could remember everything in graphic detail, and no matter how hard he tried it wouldn't disappear. The location of his son's classroom was one of those things.

"Mrs. Cole?"  
His question, softly uttered into the stillness of the classroom had the effect of a gunshot. A shriek, followed by a cry of "Daddy!" from his heir to the nonexistent throne, seemed to meet it halfway and had the happy effect of transforming what seemed to be a grim scene into a somewhat awkward affair.

"Hey, buddy. How was school?"

A smile, albeit a small one appeared. A smile that appeared rarely and only for two people. One of them being the pint-sized bit in his arms, the other being Spencer. He expected a burst of excited words, as was usual for Jack.

"Spencer!"

Aaron blinked, surprised and smoothly turned to face his….well….Spencer for lack of a better term. They never had decided what they were to each other and it seemed to be an unspoken agreement not to label themselves at any point in the near future.

"Spence."

An adjustment of glasses (When had he found the time to put those on today?), along with a soft pat on Jack's head and it almost felt as if they weren't awkwardly standing in a classroom. "What are you doing here?"

Cue the awkward smile and slight head tilt. "Jessica called me." A short statement. One that seemed to not need any explanation. And with as long as Aaron had known both his ex-sister-in-law and his Spencer he didn't need any further facts.

"Spencer! Spencer! Show Mrs. Cole your magic tricks!"

Aaron fixed Spencer with raised eyebrow, smiling inwardly when he registered the blush that always accompanied Jack's demands for Spencer's time and affection. "Not right now buddy," he offered, when it seemed the other was at a loss for words. "Maybe after," he added, when his son's face fell.

Parent-teacher conference. The bane of a parent's existence. Surely, it wouldn't be more difficult than interrogating an unsub.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It's a Friday evening and a rare one at that. Most Fridays are spent either stretched out on the jet or in some precinct's conference room trying to hunt down yet another unsub. This Friday though is actually the beginning of a weekend and Aaron's celebrating it in high style.

In pajamas.

And stretched out on the couch with Jack and Spencer. He hadn't expected it to be a night of all three of them, but he'd come home and then Spencer was there. There with his glasses, his set of pajamas (and whoever thought that the man lived in Star Trek/Wars ones were completely wrong) and a few kid movies that Aaron knew that Jack would love. Including _Toy Story_, which Aaron secretly loved but would never admit to the team.

Spencer was welcomed with hugs and demands for "More magic, Spencer!" He was always happy to oblige, of course, though Aaron worried that he would soon have calluses from performing the same coin tricks over and over again. Aaron, of course, welcomed him with a hug and a brief, though no less loving, kiss. Jack was always thrilled of course; it being a novelty to see his Dad actually happy.

They settled down on the couch with popcorn (with extra butter, Daddy!) and were midway through the first movie before Aaron realized exactly how perfect, how right it felt to have both Jack and Spencer right next to him. Before the movie was over Spencer was happily cradled in his arms, with Jack gleefully sitting on top. It was uncomfortable, but it was home.

….

It was a late hour when Jack finally fell asleep, stuffed with loads of popcorn and candy Aaron really shouldn't have let him it, but couldn't resist giving him. With some regret, he separated from the puppy pile they'd been somewhat emulating and gently took his son down the hall and slipped him into bed. It was warming to see the slight smile Jack produced as he was tucked into bed, dinosaurs protecting him as he slept.

Spencer was still ensconced on the couch (leather, best purchase ever made) when Aaron padded into the living room. The new apartment was small, but had a better floor plan than the last. Spencer had helped with the selection, pouring over list after list, before finally producing the perfect choice. And it really was perfect, with a large part of the apartment visible from the front door. Foyet wouldn't happen again, ever.

Spencer was flipping through his phone, looking vaguely entertained. Aaron didn't even try to read the brightly colored little screen. He both respected Spencer's privacy and knew that his lover would most likely tell him anyway. Instead, he made them both coffee, a change from his usual nightcap, but one he liked, nonetheless.

"Morgan's at the club with Garcia." Eyebrow raised, Aaron flopped onto the couch, an un-Hotchner like manner that never failed to provoke a smile from Spencer. "How's she taking it?" Referring to the very attractive Morgan dancing with every female in the club. "Taking pictures. I believe she mentioned Photoshop in one of the posts." Aaron restrained from rolling his eyes. There were, after all, so many childish things he would let his lover see him do, and he had yet to reach that point. Instead, he reached out, snagged the phone and dumped it on the end table, exchanging it for a very warm cup of coffee. He, of course, knew how to bribe Spencer and it always involved coffee of some flavor. Cliché, yes, but he was of the opinion that if it wasn't broken, then there was no need to try and fix it.

Time was spent luxuriously sitting next to each other and watching a documentary. It was wonderful to just be next to each other as time slowly passed. At some point, they curled together, cradled in each other's arms and before Aaron knew it, he was asleep.

A wonderful glorious Friday night.

End Chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A/N: K, I had a question on this, so I'm kinda going to hash it out so no one gets confused. I'll edit the main summary when I post this chapter. This story starts pre-slash and moves into the slash relationship. The first three chapters are Aaron's point of view. For this one, I'll be focusing on Spencer from the beginning of his attraction. Hope this clears it up a bit.

Spencer knew the first moment he met BAU Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner. He knew that for him time had stopped, the world stood still and that he had met the man of his dreams. Of course, he with the boyish haircut, clothes from goodwill and the ability to stammer at every turn, he stood no chance. And he knew it. And with it being his first real crush, he refused to actually quantify it with love, Spencer spent the majority of the time both sighing over the absolute perfection of his boss, while simultaneously hiding it from the team.

That proved to be more of an effort that he had thought. However, used to hiding signs of pain, of stress and of the occasional homicidal thought towards childhood tormentors, Spencer soon found it simple to keep his private thoughts, well….private.

The first several years were difficult, especially as time and time again his boss proved his effectiveness, his accuracy and his overall determination to put away the unsub. Soon, however, Spencer found himself able to completely focus on the case, only thinking about Hotch as Aaron either in the recesses of his apartment or late at night while on a case. Rarely, the thoughts occurred on a case, only when one of the team was injured. And then, he couldn't help but think….what if? What if he told him? What if the feelings were returned? What if the marriage ended? Just, what if?

And he was content with that for some time….until the LDSK. Until he was knocked flat on his back by a rifle to the face and was forced to face off against an unsub with only Hotch for company. He'd been in close situations before, regardless of the tenacity with which Gideon guarded him. But being held at gunpoint with Hotch in the vicinity had been a terrifying moment. And it hadn't helped that all he wanted to do was throw himself in front of his superior, consequences be damned, But training prevailed and he was able to devise the overall plan while being repeatedly kicked in the stomach. Spencer didn't know how he did it. Really he didn't. He'd been tormented for years, knew exactly how to prevent internal damage, but the emotional effect was still the same, regardless of the circumstances. And it seemed to be exacerbated, what with being pummeled by the man that he'd secretly admired for years.

And then he'd shot Phillip Dowd in the head, the center no less in a moment that would most likely haunt him until the end of his days. If he'd missed, if his terror hadn't pushed him to exceptional marksmanship, Hotch would be dead. Aaron. Aaron would be dead. Lying there on the tile, with his eyes wide open and empty, blood pooling around him. Spencer didn't like knowing that he was responsible for a person's death, but he absolutely couldn't bear the alternative.

So, in shock, it had to be shock, he sat and stared at the corpse and restrained himself from crushing his superior in a hug that most likely would get him fired. And for a moment, sitting on the edge of the ambulance later, Spencer was sure that Hotch would say something, would acknowledge something of the attraction that he knew lurked behind his eyes. Instead, it was an apology that Spencer would never have asked for and instead deflected with a quip that would have done Morgan proud.

….

Gideon was curious afterwards for a time. He'd done the mentor bit, gave Spencer some sage advice after he'd killed a man, and immediately after fulfilling his duty had promptly focused his attention on both men. It took Spencer some time to realize it, focus on himself being something that he would rather not experience or acknowledge, thank you very much, but when he did, he was alarmed. Alarmed at the all too knowing look in Gideon's eye every time Spencer went to Hotch's office. Every time he ended up rambling in the middle of a pd conference room, because damn it, he was uncomfortable and there was no easy way to come back from hiding under a table when everyone focused their attention on him. So, instead he rambled. And for the most part, it worked, since most people would turn away and ignore him once the dispensing of facts was complete.

So, Spencer pulled back, initiated more chess games with Gideon than he cared to think about, and when those knowing eyes began to turn back to case files he breathed a very large sigh of relief. And turned back to watching and waiting, because he refused to be the end of a marriage. He knew that Aaron would never take that step, even if he was bisexual, and Spencer resolved not to give him a reason. Betraying his own honor would ruin Spencer and that was something he couldn't let happen. Ever.

End.

A/N: Will be delving into one of my fave episodes as part of Spencer's point of view and will eventually build back to post Foyet.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It's Elle and she's on a consult and then suddenly she isn't. And damn it, now the team is in Texas watching a man hold an entire train hostage, with their agent helpless to intervene. Gideon always said that you didn't need a gun to kill people, and strapping on his vest, Spencer does his best to keep that in mind as they prepare to send him into the train. It doesn't help though that when everyone is giving last minute advice (including, "Damn it, kid, don't take off the vest!") they all give him a look like they don't expect him to make it alive off the train. As if, Bryar will strangle him with his bare hands minutes after he steps on the train. And, realistically speaking, that could occur, giving the fact that Bryar was experiencing extreme delusions and was clearly off anti-psychotic medication. Additionally, it wasn't like Spencer was the epitome of masculine capability. However, he believed in his ability to talk Bryar down with words. He'd done it before and he would manage to do it again.

Stepping on the train and into the corridor was a moment of extreme terror for Spencer. He was unarmed and the man facing him clearly believed that the government was out to get him. Add to the fact that the 'FBI' emblazoned on his mandatory vest screamed government, and Spencer knew this wasn't going to be a very good day.

The 'chip' was extracted, the exchange made, and Spencer was trying to talk his way off the train, when suddenly he found himself a hostage. A very unarmed hostage. And suddenly he realized all he had to talk himself off the train was the profile. Especially after Bryar destroyed the only means of communication with the outside via a single gunshot.

It was a difficult situation, but Spencer was used to talking down the mentally ill. And really, figuring out that Bryar had a personality that made the decisions in the relationship wasn't too difficult to discover. And once he had that, he began reasoning with Bryar, trying to get him to realize that his decisions weren't his own. It was a path fraught with peril and Spencer thought that he had almost succeeded. But then the gun was raised and then the shot went off. And then Bryar was dead.

Spencer didn't want to think about why a man who held a Bible with such fervor was carrying a gun on a train. He really didn't want to think about what other murder this man had been on his way to commit. Instead, he forced himself to feel grateful that he was alive, yet again, and his unsub was not. At least this time, he hadn't been responsible for the aftermath.

Stepping off the train with his colleague had been a relief that he hadn't expected to feel that day. And apparently, neither had the rest of the team. There had all been anguish written into their faces and standing in front of all of them, Spencer realized that they thought for one horrible moment, that he had been the one who had received a bullet to the head.

Sitting on the back of a car with Elle, he experienced a moment of unease when she mentioned his understanding of the voices in Bryar's head. He'd never mentioned it to the others and hopefully he never would. Having to explain a paranoid schizophrenic mother was not on his list of things to share with his colleagues over a cup of coffee. It was difficult enough to share the plethora of facts that popped into his head; having to share the pain of his childhood was something he didn't think they could ever really understand.

Everyone was wrapping up, the unsub in custody, the victims far away from the crime scene. Spencer sat back and watched the chaos as JJ talked to the press crews that had arrived in the aftermath. The EMT's had already seen to him and he had been pleased to be released as fit for duty. He sat alone, having already talked to most members of the team. Gideon had given him a look and Morgan had practically crushed him in a hug, while simultaneously lecturing him. Hotch, however, hadn't made an appearance.

"Reid." Spencer mentally patted himself on the back. Clearly, his magical skills were evolving and he had moved onto conjuring his favorite person. "Reid." This time his name was accompanied by an edge of irritation.

"Yes, Hotch?" Warm hand, very warm, large hand on his shoulder. Spencer's head shot up with a gasp, surprised. Of all the people on the team, Hotch was the one who knew of Spencer's deep aversion to contact and ensured he didn't touch his subordinate in any way. Well, except for extreme circumstances, of course.

"Don't do it again." That said, with a very quick squeeze to the shoulder and Hotch was gone, already off to speak to the local pd to wrap things up. Spencer sat stunned. It wasn't the touch that practically froze him in place, but the look in Hotch's eyes. The tenderness that had briefly appeared had almost knocked him flat. To see that caring without any barrier was stunning to say the least.

Spencer smiled to himself. The terror of the day seemed almost worth it now. Almost.

…..

It's almost a year later and Elle's gone, chased by her own demons and the dead body she'd left lying in the street. No one said it, of course, but they all knew. Elle had done the unthinkable, but not the improbable. They all knew it happened. Agents gone rogue. However, no one ever thought that Elle would be one of those.

They'd seen the signs. And no one had acted, trusting that Elle would make her own decisions. And they would be the right ones. Spencer broke down though. After that moment in Texas, he had felt closer to Elle. The prickliest one of the group, with walls so thick no one was able to knock them down. Spencer tried. He even approached her on a case to confront her issues, hoping to halt the downward progression, but it didn't work. And the next thing he knew, Elle was gone and Emily Prentiss was stepping into her place.

Emily was an adjustment to everyone. Similar in defensiveness, but miles apart in expertise. She proved it the first case and Spencer slowly started to warm to her. And then Tobias Hankel came along and everything went to hell.

Those few days held in that madman's grasp were worse than the torment he received as a kid. Far worse than any torment in the future he could have thought of on his own. He knew the risks of the job, knew them far well than most, but being kidnapped and tortured while watching others die, was something that he never expected to happen to him. The irony of being captured by a multiple personality was not lost on him. How was it, that he with all the knowledge on mental illness, couldn't recognize it when it practically smacked him in the face? Why did the knowledge have to come far too late? Far too late to save himself from the unsub?

Battling with Tobias was an exercise in futility. Just when Spencer thought he had made progress, the personality switched and a whole new form of torture stepped forward. His only chance lay in a word here, a spare phrase there, but only when the camera light was flashing. Which was only sparingly. Those hours between, drugged with goodness knows what, passed in a blur. Spencer was unsure what made Tobias leave him alone during that time, but he was grateful for it. Between rounds of Russian roulette, he found a plan.

He wasn't sure of Hotch's feelings for him, but he did know that the man understood him better than anyone else on the team. Far better than he was comfortable with on some days, but on this day he knew that it might be his saving grace. So, to his everlasting shame, he threw out Hotch's name as the chosen person to die, with a phrase and a reason that he hoped the man would catch.

It was his only hope as Tobias dragged him through the cemetery and forced him to dig his own grave. It wasn't until the team's lights shone through the trees that he found courage to lunge and shoot Tobias in the heart. Spencer felt regret, but when the last words of the unsub were from Tobias and not from his father or the angel, there was some relief. After all, he had freed the man that had been a victim his whole life, and on some level Spencer could understand it.

And then Aaron was there, holding him tight, and no matter what came next, Spencer knew he would be able to handle it. Because Aaron would not let him fall.

End.


End file.
